Last funnies of the year. Will return in 2013.
As a child Sam was as happy as could be; playing with sticks, climbing trees, all that good shit. One day for his sixth birthday his parents decided to take him to the circus. Little Sam was so excited he could not stop bouncing in his seat in the car, nor could he stand still in line whilst his parents purchased their tickets.
Sam and his parents find their seats and wait for the circus to commence (the waiting nearly killed Sam). Finally the circus starts; the trapeze artists were great, the lion tamers stunned, and finally towards the end of the show the clowns come out. This is what Sam has been waiting for all night (he loves to laugh).
The clowns go through their usual routine; pies to the face, falling down, etc.. All of the clowns but one leave the center ring. This clown turns on a microphone he is given by the ring master and says,
"Ladies and Gentleman! For your last laugh of the evening I will need a volunteer!"
Little Sam, not knowing what this was all about, was the only one who did not raise his hand.
The Clown makes a spectacle of choosing his volunteer, and finally the spot light lands on little Sam. He looks to his parents questioningly and they wave him down. After he makes his way down the aisle and into the center ring.
The clown asks,
"What is your name little boy?"
"S-sam." he replies.
"Well S-sam, are you the front end of a jack-ass?"
"Well little Sam, are you the back end of a jack-ass?"
"Well you must be NO end of a jack-ass!"
The crowd goes wild with laughter, rofl barely covers it. All the while this is happening little Sam is mortified to be laughed at by so many people and starts crying right there in the center ring which, much to his dismay, made everyone laugh all the harder. He makes his way back to his parents and they take him home all the way attempting to make him feel better.
---~10 Years Later---
Little Sam is no longer so little, he is now a Sophmore in high-school. Albeit a little awkward, tonight he is taking out a girl for their very first date. Now this girl not only is completely out of his league, but she is a very popular girl. He has done his research and found out that she is dying to go see the circus.
On their way to the circus he is so excited he is almost bouncing in his seat, of course he doesn't because that would be completely uncool of him. As they are standing in line to get their tickets, he can hardly stand still, he is definitely hoping to get some hand holding action tonight!
They take their seats and wait for the circus to commence (which nearly kills not so little Sam as he inches his hand ever closer to hers without making it obvious). Finally he touches his pinky finger to her pinky just as the lights go down and the circus starts, which also happens to be when everyone begins to applaud. He cannot truly enjoy circus because the entire time he is still trying to touch her hand.
He can tell by her reactions the trapeze artists were great, the lion tamers stunned, the midget being shot out of a cannon was exhilarating. Finally the clowns come out.
This is when Sam finally begins to pay attention, he is searching for a clown he has seen 10 years ago that scarred him.
NO SHIT! - he thinks to himself - THAT CAN'T BE THE SAME CLOWN! (It was)
The clowns do their usual routine, pies to the face, falling down on purpose, hitting other clowns over the head. Towards the end of the act all of the clown leave the center ring except one. The same fucking clown, god damn-it!
The clown turns on a microphone that he is given from the ring master
"Ladies and Gentlemen! For your last bit of comedy for the evening I will need a volunteer!"
Like hell I'm going to volunteer Sam thinks to himself, yet in doing this he is the only person not raising his hand. The clown again makes a spectacle of choosing volunteer. Finally the spotlight stops on non so little Sam.
Wide-eyed Sam looks over to his date and she has a brilliant smile on her face and urges him to go down after a quick kiss on the cheek. After this moment Sam is in a daze "my first kiss, oh my god, it was amazing." The next thing he knows he is standing before the clown in the center ring.
"What is your name young man?"
I hope its not the same lame ass joke "My name is Sam."
"Well Sam, are you the front end of a jack-ass?"
Really? Again? Reluctantly Sam says, "No."
"Well Sam, are you the back end of a jack-ass?"
"Well then Sam, you must be NO end of a jack-ass!"
The crowd completely goes wild, rotflmfao barely covers it. He looks into the seats where he and his date were sitting and she is laughing just as hard as everyone else. For some reason that Sam cannot explain to this very day he broke down crying, this time in front of everyone and his date, which makes the crowd laugh even harder. This day Sam swears his revenge on this god-awful clown.
---~10 Years Later---
Big Sam is now 26 years old with a family of his own; a wife of 5 years, two beautiful children, a dog, all that good shit.
For vacation Sam decides to take his family on a cruise ship. Big Sam is bouncing in his seat (he doesn't have to be cool anymore), his children are as well. As wait to board the ship Sam can hardly stand still Open Bar! Free Child Care! Free Massage!. As he is handed a list of events from the person overseeing the boarding he notices there is even a circus on this cruise. No way, what would the odds be?
They enjoy their cruise, and on the last night Sam brings his family to the circus. They get their seats and wait for the circus to commence (which nearly kills his children). The lights finally go down and it begins. The trapeze were great, the lion tamers stunned, the midget getting shot out of a cannon was riveting, the motorcycles that go around in a sphere nearly took their breath away, finally the clowns come out.
Ok you mother fucking clown where are you at? Where, oh where can you--AHA! Sam spots the clown that has caused him so much pain in the past which is great for him because he has come up with the perfect response to this clown.
The clowns do their usual routine; pies to the face, falling down, hitting others over the head with hammers, spraying others with water jet flowers. Towards the end of the act all of the clowns except one leave the center ring.
The clown turns on a microphone that he is given from the ring master.
"Ladies and Gentlemen! For your last bit of comedy tonight I will need a volunteer!"
If I don't raise my hand you're going to pick me. I know your game clown!
As usual big Sam is the only one that does not raise his hand. The clown makes a big spectacle of choosing his volunteer. Finally the spotlight lands on big Sam.
Now its my turn!
Before he knows it Sam is down in front of the clown with a smug smile on his face.
"Well sir, what would your name be?"
"My name would be Sam", he replies with a confidence that makes the clown a little uneasy.
"Well Sam, are you the front-end of a jack-ass?"
"No, not I am not the front-end of a jack-ass.", he answers as smugly as he can manage.
He is now bubbling with anticipation.
"Yes, well then, are you the back-end of a jack-ass?"
"Ha no, no I am not."
"Well Sam, You must be NO end of a jack-ass!"
The crowd goes wild, little old ladies have heart attacks, ICU hardly covers it. Sam grabs the microphone from the clown, and the crowd immediately quiets down. Sam looks the clown straight in the face and says,