Thursday, 18 April 2013

Back again for another week. It is actually starting to get cold in the mornings now. I have to wake up and put on the heater! And it is dark when I walk out of work. All seemed to happen so suddenly...

Okay, this week's joke:

Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because she is too big for B Shells.

Terrible. One more:

A man stumbles into his house after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him. 

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him. 

"Yes there is," he replies. 

"I would like some breakfast"

Badass. I like the continuation of that joke too:

After he finally confessed to having a one night stand with another woman, the wife told her husband to leave.

"I want you to go!" she screamed. 

He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?" 

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied. 

He sat down, sighed, then said, 

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

Pics. Enjoy.

Thursday, 11 April 2013

So Timbitch wanted my rants to come back. So here we go, what better way to start than douchebag drivers.

What the FUCK is with people on the Expressway. Seriously. I get that the changing of speed limits is annoying and unnecessary, but just deal with it. The speed you need to travel is the fucking big black writing in the big red circle. Is it that hard?

For some reason, people decide that they need to travel 80 in a 60 zone, and all shoot past you. Until you hit the ACTUAL 80 zone, where for some unknown reason everyone decides to drop back to 60! What the hell?! Are all Adelaide drivers just retarded?

Anyway, let's lighten the mood with a joke:

Two mates are chatting at a bar.

One says, "Did your hear the news - Mike died." 

"Really? What the hell happened to him?" 

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly, and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." 

"What a horrible way to die!" 

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." 

"What a way to go, that's terrible!" 

"No no, that didn't kill him, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." 

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" 

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." 

"Man, what a way to go!" 

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." 

"Now that is one awful way to go!" 

"No no, he survived that, he ..." 

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" 

"I shot him!" 

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" 

"He was wrecking my fucking house!"

Pics. Enjoy.